Robots Don’t Sleep

It only recently started getting “cold” here in California. A couple weeks ago I was wearing shorts. Hell, even last week I didn’t need much more than a light zip-up hoodie. This is in stark contrast to the weather I’ve grown used to in my time living in Utah and New Mexico (yes, it definitely gets cold at 6,400 feet, even in NM). I have a closet full of heavy jackets and thick hoodies, and I haven’t really had to use them until this week. Even then, it doesn’t feel like winter here - it’s more like a mild autumn than anything.

In packing for my Christmas vacation (I actually am supposed to be leaving to the airport in 5 hours…), I was both ecstatic and apprehensive looking forward at the coming 10 days with my family and friends, neither of whom I have seen in a while. I was ecstatic because I am always excited to be around friends, especially now that I am living on my own without any real friends of my own. I was ecstatic because Christmas with my family is always such a big thing, and I can’t imagine spending it anywhere else, really.

However, I was apprehensitve mostly because I remembered how often I get excited to go home only to be disappointed. Vegas has a weird way of doing that to me. There isn’t much to do, and even though friends are in town, without a car it’s hard to see anyone. Even if you do get to spend time with friends, it always somehow feels short-lived. Also, it’s always weird to transition from living on your own without any restrictions to suddenly sleeping in your old room on a bunk bed. I still haven’t gotten used to that.

Regardless, this Christmas break is well-deserved and I am looking forward to the chance to relax and spend some time away from work. I’m even looking forward to freezing my ass off. There’s one thing I am not looking forward to, however, and that is the anxiety that I’ve set my expectations too high. I don’t care if this Christmas break is life-changing. No, I just want to feel like I’m back home - a little closer to the way things used to be with the friends and family that shares that same goal with me.

So I went on a bit of a hiatus from writing. It wasn’t just from this blog, but from all of my online entries. I lasted a couple weeks, but the main reason that I’m back is because I really felt something missing… much like anything that you cut out of your life for a short period of time. I felt that a lot of things kept building inside that I just kind of kept there - and as a result, they sort of lost their importance. Maybe not exactly their importance per se, but they definitely lost something. These thoughts just sort of bubble up in my head and then die out… floating out into the atmosphere and forming white fluffy clouds. I guess I have a need to form them into written words and let them settle somewhere else - somewhere where I can read them later and remember what I felt these past few weeks, even if it’s not anything especially monumental.

Several things have happened since I wrote last. I spent a couple weeks in New Mexico, not really doing much other than hanging out with some really old friends and eating. I ate a lot. I’m pretty sure I gained about 10 pounds from Thanksgiving and Christmas break alone. I’m definitely going to try to get rid of that within the next few months. I also got to see some really old friends that I haven’t seen in a very long time, which was worth the trip in itself. Other than that, I spent my time waiting for Christmas to come… I spent a lot of money on Christmas. I decided to just get gifts for my family this year, but man it was still expensive. I’m a money-spending machine, I swear.

Now, I’m in Austin, Texas with my friend Mike on a mancation. Yeah that’s right, a mancation. Before I left though, I spent two days in Albuquerque with Josh and Aaron, and I just have to say that that was a pretty interesting trip. Interesting is not a strong enough word, though. Life-affirming, maybe? It was like waking up from a weird dream, like looking around suddenly and wondering for a split-second where you are and how you got there. I can’t explain it any more than this, really. I played at an open mic night with Josh and my friend Meredith. Man, it was amazing. I really miss playing music publicly. I need to do it more often. I absolutely have to make a note to do it when I get back to Utah. It was just… awesome. A great feeling.

So, now that Christmas is over and New Year’s has come and gone, I guess it’s only appropriate to say that I’m anticipating school. From one countdown to another, I suppose. There is more to come, so just hold on and keep singing that same song over and over again.