“I got troubled thoughts and self-esteem to match.” I started listening to a few of the new Fall Out Boy songs from their new album, and I quickly realized how far-removed I am from that world I used to belong to. It really is a weird feeling to truly realize how far you are from the world you used to wholly embrace. In listening to a single song from a band that I used to idolize, I’ve come to the conclusion that I’ve finally matured past the stage I used to defend with open arms. It’s a refreshing realization - no different from the other “refreshing realizations” that I’ve recently come to accept. I’m just not the same person that I used to be.
It’s been a long time coming, and I’ve seen all the signs, but I can still remember (Fresh in my mind) the moments when I told myself “I’ll never end up like this.” I used to depend on my friends to give me a sense of realism; I used to depend on them to keep my feet firmly on the ground. Although, relatively, my feet were perhaps far from where I thought the ground was. Now, I only rely upon myself to steer myself in the direction that I feel is where the warmest light is eminating from. It’s a sad thought, but a realistic one.
I’m on a path that I feel is righteous, and I’m sure some will disagree with me on this. I can feel the negativity and I can feel the dissent coming from (almost) all directions. However, I know that I am only here for myself at this point, so I know that I have to keep the faith that the beat that I am following is the one that leads to the encore. I have had many dreams, and all of them end with me on the winning end.
My newest goal is to make some new friends. Although, the memories of the last two years have kept me up at night - the fact that it took me almost two years to make new friends in Utah. There are times when I am equally glad and remorseful that I chose the path that I chose. I know that it’s led me to the greatest place that I could be right now, but at the same time I realize that I spend the majority of my time by myself.
Really, I think tonight is the culmination of a lot of dissenting feelings that have built up over a period of time, but in the end I am positive that I’ll be fine. I have nothing to complain about… except for the election. I will be so relieved when it is over… this fucking circus that the majority of America has largely ignored since the primaries began. Others will choose to accept their own self-serving reasons why they’ve made up their minds, but I refuse to accept that I am selfish enough to let the rest of the country suffer while I am sitting here in my ideal situation, reaping the benefits. I believe in giving my parents the tax break that they deserve - I believe that this country should be led by a person that is actually inspiring and brilliant in his own right. I don’t believe that slimeball political strategies should be rewarded with the most important elected office in this country. I believe in Barack Obama, and whoever disagrees with that… I don’t give a fuck.
Goodnight. Tomorrow is a new day and a new set of opportunities that I used to dream of so dearly. I’m starting to think that at this point, I’m much luckier than I could have ever imagined. I’m going to try to not take it for granted. Wish me luck.