Robots Don’t Sleep

“I got troubled thoughts and self-esteem to match.” I started listening to a few of the new Fall Out Boy songs from their new album, and I quickly realized how far-removed I am from that world I used to belong to. It really is a weird feeling to truly realize how far you are from the world you used to wholly embrace. In listening to a single song from a band that I used to idolize, I’ve come to the conclusion that I’ve finally matured past the stage I used to defend with open arms. It’s a refreshing realization - no different from the other “refreshing realizations” that I’ve recently come to accept. I’m just not the same person that I used to be.

It’s been a long time coming, and I’ve seen all the signs, but I can still remember (Fresh in my mind) the moments when I told myself “I’ll never end up like this.” I used to depend on my friends to give me a sense of realism; I used to depend on them to keep my feet firmly on the ground. Although, relatively, my feet were perhaps far from where I thought the ground was. Now, I only rely upon myself to steer myself in the direction that I feel is where the warmest light is eminating from. It’s a sad thought, but a realistic one.

I’m on a path that I feel is righteous, and I’m sure some will disagree with me on this. I can feel the negativity and I can feel the dissent coming from (almost) all directions. However, I know that I am only here for myself at this point, so I know that I have to keep the faith that the beat that I am following is the one that leads to the encore. I have had many dreams, and all of them end with me on the winning end.

My newest goal is to make some new friends. Although, the memories of the last two years have kept me up at night - the fact that it took me almost two years to make new friends in Utah. There are times when I am equally glad and remorseful that I chose the path that I chose. I know that it’s led me to the greatest place that I could be right now, but at the same time I realize that I spend the majority of my time by myself.

Really, I think tonight is the culmination of a lot of dissenting feelings that have built up over a period of time, but in the end I am positive that I’ll be fine. I have nothing to complain about… except for the election. I will be so relieved when it is over… this fucking circus that the majority of America has largely ignored since the primaries began. Others will choose to accept their own self-serving reasons why they’ve made up their minds, but I refuse to accept that I am selfish enough to let the rest of the country suffer while I am sitting here in my ideal situation, reaping the benefits. I believe in giving my parents the tax break that they deserve - I believe that this country should be led by a person that is actually inspiring and brilliant in his own right. I don’t believe that slimeball political strategies should be rewarded with the most important elected office in this country. I believe in Barack Obama, and whoever disagrees with that… I don’t give a fuck.

Goodnight. Tomorrow is a new day and a new set of opportunities that I used to dream of so dearly. I’m starting to think that at this point, I’m much luckier than I could have ever imagined. I’m going to try to not take it for granted. Wish me luck.

Today was the beginning of my third week straight of going to the gym and my attempt to sustain an active lifestyle. Between weightlifting, running, and biking on the weekend, I’ve been surprised at how little effort it has taken. It seems to have fallen into my every day routine, and it’s very refreshing to know that I haven’t met any real challenges in trying to meet my goal. This isn’t very fitting, but a lyric just came on iTunes that says “Pain is only a pulse if you just stop feeling it.” I thought it was kind of interesting.

I’m kind of anxious for the presidential elections to be over. I think almost everyone can agree that it’s turned into a bit of a circus. I guess I’m generally tired of political strategy getting in the way of real issues, and the use of gimmicks and distractions by both presidential candidates. I have no doubt in my mind that Obama will be our next president come election day, but I feel like I’ve been following this 20-month road only for it to turn into a round-about discussion about nothing at the very end. I know who I’m voting for, and I’m tired of hearing about it all.

On a side note, I’ve also been getting back into playing guitar recently. My playing has been sparse at best in the past couple years, and I feel like I have a renewed interest in learning new songs and trying to improve myself. Maybe it’s a trend in life - when you try to improve yourself in one area, you start developing a want to improve in other areas as well. The only downside is that I haven’t had much time outside of work and the gym to explore other opportunities, like making friends and meeting girls. Oh well.

I noticed an interesting thing while biking these past two weekends. I used to take a lot of time out of my days in the past to reflect on things, and over the last year or so I’ve digressed a bit from that. I used to sit and listen to music while writing; I used to write music; I used to walk places and spend time alone in preparation for what I thought my soon-to-be future would be. Now, in riding 20-plus miles a week, I’ve had time to really be on my own, alone in my environment and I’ve had time to really think. It’s refreshing, but I have found myself thinking where hours of my time have gone. Whereas I would usually attribute this loss in time to surfing the internet or something as time-consuming and relatively pointless, I now can be proud that I’m actually moving toward a positive goal that I’ve set. A week from now, I hope that I can say that I’m starting my fourth week of bettering myself - in discipline and in persistence.

Today I decided to do a little work around my room. I cleaned up my desk, started going through the (many) boxes I still haven’t unpacked, and did some much-needed laundry. Not too much of a lazy Sunday I guess. Anyway, I started tidying up my music collection as well as filling in the holes that happened when I upgraded to Vista. I still don’t understand how that happened.

I also got the new Jack’s Mannequin album today, and I am really enjoying it so far. I would definitely recommend it to anyone to go out and grab. It’s so strange that I haven’t listened to Jack’s Mannequin in so long. In Transit was such a great album.

So, my workout plan has been going very well so far. I went to the gym Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday, and I will be continuing the trend on Monday. Instead of going to the gym Saturday, I decided to bike down to the coast and watch the ocean for a while. My overall distance was a little over 20 miles, and it was a very reflective and refreshing ride. I think I may try to do something like that every Saturday from now on. I just can’t decide whether I should go in the morning or in the late afternoon. Hmm…

Finally, if anyone out there isn’t registered to vote yet, please get off your lazy ass and do it now.

I got complimented this weekend for a cover song that I recorded over a year and a half ago. I realized I haven’t listened to Brand New in quite a while. Pretty weird, but it feels good, I’m not gonna lie. Especially the person it came from… it meant a lot.

Anyway, today was supposed to be day 2 of waking up at 6am and going to the gym. Only… I didn’t wake up, and neither did my roommate. Oops. I made up for it by going after work today, but I still need to stay committed. That means I can only afford to write a short blog post and go to bed. Yep. Goodnight!